WASHINGTON—With bystanders reporting that multiple mangled figures were seen emerging from the house as law enforcement closed in, dozens of aborted fetuses allegedly fled through the back window of an anti-abortion activist’s house Thursday after Washington, D.C. police busted down the door.

“I’m not going down for this!” one of the aborted fetuses was heard to yell moments before it leapt from the second-floor window of the home of Lauren Handy, the director of activism for Progressive Anti-Abortion Uprising. It is believed to have joined several other aborted fetuses who attempted to climb a chain-link fence at the rear of the property despite not having fully formed hands. The raid appeared to catch occupants of the home by surprise, as several of the aborted fetuses escaping the home were still reportedly covered in formaldehyde, suggesting they had been in their jars and forced to take flight in a hurry. The Metropolitan Police Department, which was following up on a noise complaint, stated that when authorities knocked down the door of the home, several aborted fetuses hid in a bedroom closet, while at least three other aborted fetuses stayed behind to hamper the officers’ pursuit by spewing amniotic fluid down the stairs. Two aborted fetuses, who sources said may have been hiding out in Handy’s home since October 2020, were apprehended while attempting to climb down from a window sill by tying their umbilical cords together. Another unidentified fetus was reportedly pronounced dead at the scene after firing at officers and declaring, “You’ll never take me alive.” While most of the occupants were tracked down within a few blocks of the activist’s home, law enforcement officials warned local residents to be on the lookout for fugitive aborted fetuses that may have used shoe polish to hide their fontanelles

From https://www.theonion.com/facebook-paid-gop-strategy-firm-for-anti-tiktok-campaig-1848739283