One question to ask is how this arrangement might feel for you, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. Whatever you decide, it’s important not to constantly feel like this is an open question

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My partner and I have been together for six years. At the beginning of the relationship we talked about monogamy, he’s never been in an open relationship but likes the idea of being in one, as he’s cheated in the past.

I understand how love and relationships are never black and white. My partner has brought up the possibility of opening up the relationship on and off and reminds me he’s always wanted to explore this.

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In sexual situations, I freeze and panic, when all I want is to enjoy stress-free physical and romantic relationships

I’m a 26-year -old gay man who is desperately afraid of sex. I haven’t had much sex in the past year, and when I do I tend to freeze and panic, which means that I struggle with erection and orgasm even when I’m with someone I genuinely like. The last time this happened, I felt so sick during foreplay that I wanted to cry and leave. I have major anxiety and body image issues. I also identify as both “a side” ( which means I’m not interested in anal sex), and demisexual (on the asexuality spectrum) , so I feel as if I’m in this triple minority of being gay, not into anal sex and slow to get comfortable with someone intimately. While I have enjoyed sex in the past, I prefer non-sexual intimacy, such as cuddling . Still, I would like to not be so scared of sex , to be able to relax and engage in romantic and physical relationships stress-free.

Thinking of yourself as being in a “triple minority” is not helpful. Why categorise yourself? You deserve a far better self-view, and not only in terms of body image. Try to ignore the peer pressure. The three aspects of your sexuality you consider to be negative ones need to be reframed as the positive attributes they actually are. For example, allowing yourself adequate time to become comfortable with intimacy is a smart, self-protective way to approach a relationship, and is likely to improve the quality of your sexual connection. If you are not feeling very interested in sex generally, stop forcing yourself to try to do what you think will be approved of by others – although you should also recognise that you could have increased interest in the future if you learn to manage your anxiety, and if you meet someone with whom you feel perfectly safe. Essentially, you are who you are and you do not need to explain, label or excuse yourself. You may meet the arbitrary criteria for “a side” now – a perfectly valid preference, and a style that you’ve found genuinely gives you more options for pleasure – but any of this might change in the future. What matters is that you gather your confidence and always refuse to be anything other than your true, authentic self.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions .

Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure discussion remains on topics raised by the writer. Please be aware there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.

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Love triangle caper about a woman who bears twins by two different fathers gives disappointingly more life to its competing men

This slightly racy Hindi-language romcom is mapped across a love triangle between two men and a woman, but its geometry is all out of whack. Thanks to a combination of raw star power and the way the script (credited to Tarun Dudeja and Ishita Moitra) is crafted, rising star Vicky Kaushal gets the most acute angle as a swaggering Punjabi mamma’s boy Akhil Chadha, who self-describes as a GOAT. His fancy footwork in the opening song-and-dance sequence is impressive if not entirely supportive of his outrageous greatest-of-all-time claim, but at least you can see why aspiring chef Saloni (Triptii Dimri) might take a shine to him.

Before long, the two have married, honeymooned in Croatia where they break beds regularly with their lovemaking (there’s kissing but nothing ever explicit on show) and settled back in Delhi. But Akhil’s smothering affection for his wife barely disguises a lack of respect for Saloni’s career ambitions, which centre on winning a culinary award called the Meraki Star (like a Michelin, but without the undercover judging panel). In fact, to win a chef must make an oral defence of their gastronomical philosophy, a screenwriting contrivance that seems about as absurd as the notion that an establishment specialising in burrito bowls would win such a high-level accolade, as is the case here.

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It’s not the first time athletes and officials have been showered with contraceptives. But is there any logic to the options on offer?

Sex may not be an official discipline at the Olympics, but it sure looks like Paris is readying itself for vigorous indoor sports. The Covid-related intimacy ban instigated during the Tokyo Olympics has officially been lifted and a bulk order of contraceptives has been placed. During a recent press conference , the organisers of the 2024 Games said that 200,000 male condoms, 20,000 female condoms and 10,000 dental dams will be made available in the Olympic Village, where 14,500 athletes and staff will be heading in about a week’s time.

In some respects, this is business as usual. For decades , there have been boatloads of free contraceptives at the Olympic Village. The 2016 Rio de Janeiro Games broke records, providing 450,000 condoms , including (for the first time) 100,000 female ones . Even the no-sex Tokyo Games featured 160,000 free condoms – with strict instructions for athletes not to use them , but to take them home as souvenirs. (“Hello, Mum and Dad! I had a great time in Toyko! Would you like to see my commemorative condom?”)

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It’s easy to grasp at shallow concepts of manliness – after all, beards are easier to grow than good relationships or life satisfaction

Beards, it seems, aren’t quite as sexy as they used to be. You may have heard people talking about the “ hot rodent boyfriend ” – the conventionally good-looking, high-cheekboned, non-bearded skinny guys, all looking as if they could be “the Sensitive One” in any given boyband. With the likes of Barry Keoghan and Jacob Elordi in Saltburn , Jeremy Allen White in The Bear and Timothée Chalamet (in everything) taking leading roles as today’s screen heartthrobs, you might wonder whether the moment when beardedness was synonymous with attractiveness has long gone.

It was only two years ago that journalists were declaring beards to be the “ trend that will never end ”, and only five years ago we were opining on how celebrities all look better with beards . But recent research suggests that even if people are split over whether beards are attractive or not, men with them still hold the court as the measure of manliness, as well as commitment in relationships.

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American therapist, author and broadcaster known as Dr Ruth who talked openly about sex on her radio and TV shows

Ruth Westheimer, who has died aged 96, was an American psychosexual therapist famed for transforming attitudes towards the open discussion of sex. She began quietly in 1980 with a 15-minute recorded programme, Sexually Speaking, aired after midnight on a New York radio channel. A year later it had become an hour-long live phone-in show.

Following emphatic success she went on to write more than 35 books, including Dr Ruth’s Encyclopedia of Sex (1994) and Sex for Dummies (1995). She also syndicated her column in newspapers worldwide, and developed games, videos, software and her own website.

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Ruth Westheimer encouraged frank dialogue when it came to sex, a subject, she said, ‘we must talk about’

The legendarily frank sex therapist and cultural icon Dr Ruth Westheimer, known simply as Dr Ruth, has died at the age of 96, according to her publicist.

Westheimer died on Friday at her home in New York City, surrounded by her family.

Westheimer never advocated risky sexual behavior. Instead, she encouraged an open dialogue on previously closeted issues that affected her audience of millions. Her one recurring theme was there was nothing to be ashamed of.

“I still hold old-fashioned values and I’m a bit of a square,” she told students at Michigan City high school in 2002. “Sex is a private art and a private matter. But still, it is a subject we must talk about.”

Westheimer’s giggly, German-accented voice, coupled with her 4ft 7in frame, made her an unlikely looking – and sounding – outlet for “sexual literacy”. The contradiction was one of the keys to her success.

But it was her extensive knowledge and training, coupled with her humorous, accepting manner, that catapulted her local radio program, Sexually Speaking, into the national spotlight in the early 1980s. She had a nonjudgmental approach to what two consenting adults did in the privacy of their home.

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Serge and Lucy found that planning moments of intimacy helped her through her cancer treatment

We remained very intimate throughout the months she was recovering

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Faced with little time to find new platforms, sellers say ban also furthers idea that sexual pleasure is ‘taboo’

Etsy has always been a home for sellers of bespoke, artisanal and alternative items – including erotic jewellery and sex toys.

But as of next month, some of these companies will be kicked off the platform, which they see as a betrayal of Etsy’s sizeable sex-positive community.

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